Luke 19:45-48: "Jesus entered the temple and began to drive out those who were selling things there; . . . .

Genuine Christian love is forged against the anvil of our selfishness and possessiveness
... It is important to remember that love is more than a feeling. It is active and transitive. The real test of my loving is not that I feel loving, but that the other person feels loved by me. Love is what I do to create this sense of feeling cared for.

- Morton T. Kelsey, from his book Companions on the Inne

Today has  been a long day, a good day. It hit me that I get tired because I keep on going, and because I enjoy what I am doing--what I do is not really work to me, but what I enjoy doing.  I spent the afternoon cooking and then served the meal with Ken on Polk.  I took out 19 year old Dennis for his birthday.  He was high on speed, and we spent forty five minutes, me primarily listening to him.  After the meal I rested for a while and then went out and did outreach.  As I moved among people talking, giving out socks and food, there was a sense of real neediness tonight. As I was walking up the street one guy, someone I had never met screamed at me: "You fucking scum bag."  Another was angry because I would not give him money.  Kelsey's quote speaks to me tonight,  loving is not about feeling, but about caring, and I passed through still caring for those guys, wondering what kind of pain they must be in to react to me the way they did. It is like the woman on the street corner who refuses to speak to me because I gave her a pair of "used socks" one day. These guys go through their lives shutting people out, to the point they are totally alone.  In many ways one sees that with our scripture tonight as well--I know people who desire to dwell in the temple of God, who desire to be close to God yet they feel so pressured to survive, and their appetite for money can so possess them that they find little space for Christ in their lives.  Money becomes their god, survival becomes the god of the guys on the street, to point they shut out the help of those who can help them. 

It has been a good day. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

Gospel
Lk 19:41-44

As Jesus drew near Jerusalem,
he saw the city and wept over it, saying,
“If this day you only knew what makes for peace–
but now it is hidden from your eyes.
For the days are coming upon you
when your enemies will raise a palisade against you;
they will encircle you and hem you in on all sides.
They will smash you to the ground and your children within you,
and they will not leave one stone upon another within you
because you did not recognize the time of your visitation.”

St. Augustine warned us:  "Fear the Lord Jesus when he passes by, for he will not pass this way again."  The Greeks saw opportunity as "kairos", a fleet-footed boy who flashes past.  We must be alert if we are to catch him.  Through the years I have let Jesus pass me by a number of times. When people talk about my single mindedness, my "fanaticism" about my work,  it is because I have let Jesus pass by me, and now I am catching up. For Jesus is comes to us and summons us, and if we are not aware he will pass us by. I remember a couple many years ago who was going to do the work I do when they retired with their full pension, and then the husband died suddenly and the wife became ill in her early 50's.  That is one of the reasons I began my work early--because I knew that Jesus would not pass my way again. If we wait for enough money, enough space, enough time we will always be waiting. For me it is one day at a time. Struggling, and serving, but one day at a time, for I know Jesus will not pass this way again. 

I spent yesterday frankly relaxing. I did some office work, but stayed in bed last night. The days ahead are going to be long, with out much break from people. I was thinking this morning at my anger at a volunteer who on Tuesday night teased me about my cooking. Even though he was teasing me I became rather angry--because I spend hours cooking the meals, and they are important to me.  I know the meals are not what most of my volunteers are used to--beans and rice, pasta with marinade sause, but they are good meals, and I spend a lot of time cooking and preparing. I have been working on the meal for tonight already for two hours, much love and time goes into it.  I felt bad for being irritated, but I realize why feel bad about responding to the insensitivity of people.  I am cooking the meal now and will be all afternoon. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God"

I call  upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me, hear my words.  Guard me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. As for me, I shall behold your face of righteousness; when I awak I shall be satisfied, beholding your likeness. Psalm 16 (17): 1, 6, 8, 15

I do need to feel like I am the apple of God's eye because I  need to know that my life is of value, that life is worth living.  Life is short, and if this is all there is, then why live--that is the question, and as I get older and see my body deteriorate and God is not with me then why go on.  I believe that I am the apple of God's eye, like all of us are, and that is what gives meaning to my life.  I find myself today simply exhausted, exhausted from people, primarily adults, who seem not to grasp what is going on around them, who push and shove, and frankly lean on me to the point I want to scream.  They have everything materially, and yet they have so little, and they are grasping.  It is only in being the apple of God's eye that makes sense to me, and in my exhaustion I rest in his eye. I spent last night serving a meal, I did outreach. Spent time with Christ, who is 28, and is back from Oregon, high all the time.  This morning I simply watched T.V., pushing myself to get going, for I am simply exhausted.  And so it goes. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!"

Luke 19:1-10

The story of Zaccheaus is about a man who looks for Jesus and finds him. People are always searching for Jesus--and he is present in our midst. Last night 19 year old Zach had dinner with me, a sex worker, speed freak, his birthday is this week. I bought him a back pack for his birthday, and in those moments at dinner I talked to Jesus; Michael came by for needles, James for counseling, and this morning, Jake came by for supplies, and again I talked to Jesus.  Jesus is present in our midst. He may not give us everything he wants, but he does give us what we need. In those three I received a sense of love, and fulfillment in being present with them, my life was whole and fulfilled.  Like Zachaeus we meet Jesus everyday--if we but look for him, and he comes in those unexpected moments. I am cooking the meal for tonight, getting ready for my group from MCC. The menu is black eye peas with vegegables and noodles, nutri bars, and water to drink.  Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

Gospel
Lk 18:35-43

As Jesus approached Jericho
a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging,
and hearing a crowd going by, he inquired what was happening.

They told him,
“Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”
He shouted, “Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!”
The people walking in front rebuked him,
telling him to be silent,
but he kept calling out all the more,
“Son of David, have pity on me!”
Then Jesus stopped and ordered that he be brought to him;
and when he came near, Jesus asked him,
“What do you want me to do for you?”
He replied, “Lord, please let me see.”
Jesus told him, “Have sight; your faith has saved you.”
He immediately received his sight
and followed him, giving glory to God.
When they saw this, all the people gave praise to God.

 

Jesus never intrudes, he never forces himself on people--he waits for the request to be healed. That to me is a ministry of presence.  There have been articles in the paper lately of how efforts with the homeless in the parks fail, well, the reality is many people prefer to live their lives as they live them--without housing etc.  You can not force on people what they do not want. I have a young man who comes to me for stuff all the time, and lives with a guy who beats him up. I finally told him to stop telling me about the guy--because he needs to leave him, and if he chooses to stay--then is his choice--that is his "blindness".  We choose our "blindness", and until we are willing to do something about it nothing will be done.  But that does not mean that you can not be present to people, and walk with them in the moment, and love them inspite of themselves.  When we work with people we can not put our desires or our own ideas of  change on them it has to come from within, but we can walk with them, and give them love in the moment. 

Yesterday I was off, I watched movies on tv and had dinner with Stephen and came home and watched movies, it was great not to have to deal with people. One 19 year old came by, his birthday is in two days and I told him to come by and I would take him out to dinner and buy him a gift.  He is a speed freak.  Like most people he is "blind" to the basics, and moves from place to place, but that does not mean I can not show him love and care. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!